Sketch #30 - The End, Again

THE END, AGAIN
Michael Hartney

MICHAEL, 29, awesome, and KAMRUL, 20’s, equally awesome, perch separately on Muppet wall. Or possibly a Charlie Brown wall. You know which wall I mean. They notice each other.

MICHAEL
Aren’t you...?

KAMRUL
I think so. The sketch writer, right?

MICHAEL
Yeah! Ramadan!

KAMRUL
Right.

MICHAEL
I haven’t seen you in about a year.

KAMRUL
A year to the day if I’m not mistaken.

MICHAEL
You’ve been done with Ramadan for about a week, huh?

KAMRUL
That’s right. I’m impressed with your knowledge of the Islamic calendar.

MICHAEL
Oh, no big deal. A bunch of dudes in my kitchen celebrate it.

KAMRUL
I see.

MICHAEL
Yeah. They get cranky when they’re fasting. This one dude, Mody? He was already cranky. In full-on Ramadan mode? Yikes.

KAMRUL
It’s certainly one of the challenges of Ramadan. And this is the last day of September. Have you been writing a sketch every day again?

MICHAEL
Sure have.

KAMRUL
How’s that been?

MICHAEL
Actually, really good! Last year, I relied heavily on writing sequels to sketches I’ve already written. But this year, I pretty much had thirty distinct and new ideas. And overall I think they’re stronger.

KAMRUL
That’s great. I must admit, our conversation last year stayed with me. I watched your Saturday Night Live a few times. Not bad.

MICHAEL
Oh my god! Did you see the Paul Rudd episode? It was freakin’ amazing.

KAMRUL
Possibly. I don’t recall.

MICHAEL
Okay. Just as long as you didn’t see the Rosario Dawson episode. That one was a dog.

KAMRUL
Like I said, not bad. Don’t worry. I liked that pregnant woman. She was funny.

MICHAEL
Amy Poehler? She’s fantastic. I actually got to meet her this year. I shot promos for her cartoon show on Nickelodeon.

KAMRUL
Congratulations.

MICHAEL
Thank you. I, um...I remembered our conversation fondly as well.

KAMRUL
Oh?

MICHAEL
Yeah, so I checked into...some stuff.

KAMRUL
You don’t have to make something up about investigating Islam just because I watched Saturday Night Live.

MICHAEL
Sorry. I’m kind of...non-denominational.

KAMRUL
Understood.

MICHAEL
But I’m glad you’re doing well. What about that terrorist kid in Colorado, huh?

KAMRUL
What about him?

MICHAEL
Fundamentalists, right?

KAMRUL
Yes. Your feeble attempt at common ground is endearing.

MICHAEL
I try.

KAMRUL
Well, it sounds like you’re doing well. Any closer to that goal of yours? Getting on SNL?

MICHAEL
Well, I guess it depends on who you ask. I think so. I think I’m on the right path.

KAMRUL
Excellent.

MICHAEL
What about you? Any closer to your goal? The seventy-two virgins?

KAMRUL
Well, I’m a year closer to dying. So yes.

MICHAEL
Sorry. I guess that was awkward.

KAMRUL
Again: charmingly so.

MICHAEL
Aw, shucks.

KAMRUL
So this is a sketch again, yes?

MICHAEL
Yep.

KAMRUL
Is it a good one?

MICHAEL
Not necessarily. It certainly doesn’t subscribe to the basic structural guidelines endorsed by the theatre I study and perform at.

KAMRUL
Upright Citizens Brigade?

MICHAEL
Yeah! Look at you, knowin’ stuff!

KAMRUL
Sorry they wouldn’t like this sketch.

MICHAEL
No big deal. This isn’t for them. It’s for me. And anyway, I kind of missed you.

KAMRUL
It’s nice to be missed.

MICHAEL
I guess we should wrap this up. We’re going to spill onto page five.

KAMRUL
It’ll be hard to top last year. With us lip-synching to “I’m Every Woman”. I didn’t even know I knew that song.

MICHAEL
I knew you’d know it. Having created you and all.

KAMRUL
Well? Are there any other high-concept flights of fancy you’ve been meaning to try?

MICHAEL
I guess there’s one. But it’s really its own separate thing.

KAMRUL
What is it?

MICHAEL
It involves the movie The Color Purple. And a test of the audience’s patience.

KAMRUL
I’m intrigued.

Michael whispers the entire, crazy, awesome concept into Kamrul’s ear.

KAMRUL (CONT’D)
I don’t get it.

MICHAEL
You will.

Blackout.