Sketch #29 - The Fanboys
LIGHTS UP on a basement. CORKY, PICKLES, and TINY sit amidst a pile of comic books.
CORKY
Have you seen Lenil Yu's stuff on Secret Invasion? Holy crap. It makes you almost not miss Travis Charest.
PICKLES
Ew, whatever, Marvel Zombie. You were probably too busy reading a Zeb Wells fill-in of Black Panther to notice that the final issue of the greatest comic book saga since Watchmen came out last week. Gentlemen, I am, of course, referring to Morrison and Quitely's All-Star Superman #12.
TINY
You both can go watch Elektra and/or Constantine. I've personally been diving into archived editions of Carl Barks' Uncle Scrooge.
CORKY
That's pretentious. You like it because you've been told it's good.
PICKLES
And Constantine is awesome!
PICKLES' MOM enters.
PICKLES' MOM
Boys, it's a beautiful day outside. Maybe you should do something...active.
PICKLES
Mom, is it any consolation that we're reading the exploits of someone who is radio...active?
The boys laugh.
CORKY
Nicely done, Pickles!
TINY
Nailed it, good sir!
PICKLES' MOM
Is that a joke or something? I don't even get it.
CORKY
Well, if you didn't get that, you'd better stay away from Brian Azzarello's run on Deathblow!
The boys laugh.
TINY
Bravo, Corky!
PICKLES
Obscure, but effective.
PICKLES' MOM
Well, just think about it.
She exits.
TINY
Does anyone want to see what I got at Crystal Dragon Con?
PICKLES and CORKY
(sarcastically)
No, not us...
TINY produces a comic book. The other boys gasp.
PICKLES
Is that...?
CORKY
Could it be...?
TINY
That's right, boys; not a dream, not a hoax, not an imaginary story! It is the variant die-cut gatefold holographic sketch cover to Red Sonja #8!
PICKLES
I think I just came.
CORKY
I might have to swipe that.
TINY
Greg Land might beat you to it!
The boys laugh.
PICKLES
Hilarious!
CORKY
No one would ever understand that reference but us!
PICKLES' MOM re-enters.
PICKLES' MOM
Boys, the ice cream man is outside. I'll treat all of you if you go on outside.
PICKLES
Mom, the last time you said that, there was no ice cream man.
CORKY
That's like soliciting a book that Kevin Smith writes!
TINY
Or that J. Scott Campbell draws!
PICKLES
Or whose finances Pat Lee manages somehow!
The boys explode with laughter.
PICKLES' MOM
Please, boys. Your skin is starting to become see-through.
She exits.
PICKLES
So I'm going to Mighty Centennial Mystic Orb Excelsior Con next Saturday.
TINY
No way!
CORKY
How'd you score tix!
PICKLES
You know Smucker at Optic Orgasm Comics and Games?
TINY
Um...yeah...
CORKY
A-duh.
PICKLES
I complimented his ponytail.
TINY
Good move.
CORKY
It does resemble Shatterstar's.
PICKLES
That's what I said!
TINY
I hear they're doing an Aqualad panel.
CORKY
And they might show the trailer to the movie version of the comic book version of Chuck.
PICKLES
I have tickets to it.
TINY
Great Caesar's ghost.
CORKY
I just jizzed everywhere.
PICKLES' MOM re-enters.
PICKLES' MOM
Boys, I just had an inground pool installed in the backyard. Jessica Biel is currently skinny-dipping in it. For the love of God, get your atrophied muscles out there!
PICKLES
Mom, the only atrophied muscles I can see are Chapel's in the Jae Lee issues of Youngblood: Strikefile!
The boys fall over laughing.
CORKY
You are a genius!
TINY
I don't understand it, but it ruled!
PICKLES
I didn't get it either!
PICKLES' MOM
I was afraid I'd have to do this. Come on in.
MARK MILLAR enters.
MARK MILLAR
'Ello, you little shite-heads.
PICKLES, CORKY, and TINY
OH MY ZOD!
CORKY
Mark Millar!
TINY
Scribe of The Ultimates!
PICKLES
Script consultant on the Iron Man movie!
MARK MILLAR
That's me. Your mum 'ere's been telling me you little twats 'ave been down 'ere all summer like a bunch of arseholes. I'm glad you like me funnybooks and all, but if you don't get your porky little frames out that front door and don't come back for a fortnight, I'll slice off your little pricks and shove 'em down yer throats. In fact, I'll use that scene in the next issue of War Heroes!
TINY
I loved that issue of Bloodsport where Seahawk and Battlestone are getting blown by dudes dressed up as Cyclops and Jean Grey!
PICKLE
I love that issue of Ultimate Wolverine Team-Up where Ultimate Logan french kisses Ultimate Hitler!
TINY
And I look forward to your run on Archie and Jughead where those two take turns raping Jesus' exposed ribcage during the Passion!
MARK MILLAR
Yeah. That's gonna be some real smart stuff, that. Maybe the greatest four-color foray into fantasy ever captured by some pissfuck cunt bloke like meself.
PICKLES
I guess we'll go outside for a few minutes.
MARK MILLAR
That's what I like to 'ear, me wee bairns!
The boys exit.
PICKLES' MOM
Thanks.
MARK MILLAR
The pleasure is mine. Fancy a shag on this pile of comic books?
PICKLES' MOM
In lieu of your fee?
MARK MILLAR
You shaved?
PICKLES' MOM
Landing strip.
MARK MILLAR
Half.
PICKLES' MOM
Done.
LIGHTS OUT.
THE END
LIGHTS UP on a basement. CORKY, PICKLES, and TINY sit amidst a pile of comic books.
CORKY
Have you seen Lenil Yu's stuff on Secret Invasion? Holy crap. It makes you almost not miss Travis Charest.
PICKLES
Ew, whatever, Marvel Zombie. You were probably too busy reading a Zeb Wells fill-in of Black Panther to notice that the final issue of the greatest comic book saga since Watchmen came out last week. Gentlemen, I am, of course, referring to Morrison and Quitely's All-Star Superman #12.
TINY
You both can go watch Elektra and/or Constantine. I've personally been diving into archived editions of Carl Barks' Uncle Scrooge.
CORKY
That's pretentious. You like it because you've been told it's good.
PICKLES
And Constantine is awesome!
PICKLES' MOM enters.
PICKLES' MOM
Boys, it's a beautiful day outside. Maybe you should do something...active.
PICKLES
Mom, is it any consolation that we're reading the exploits of someone who is radio...active?
The boys laugh.
CORKY
Nicely done, Pickles!
TINY
Nailed it, good sir!
PICKLES' MOM
Is that a joke or something? I don't even get it.
CORKY
Well, if you didn't get that, you'd better stay away from Brian Azzarello's run on Deathblow!
The boys laugh.
TINY
Bravo, Corky!
PICKLES
Obscure, but effective.
PICKLES' MOM
Well, just think about it.
She exits.
TINY
Does anyone want to see what I got at Crystal Dragon Con?
PICKLES and CORKY
(sarcastically)
No, not us...
TINY produces a comic book. The other boys gasp.
PICKLES
Is that...?
CORKY
Could it be...?
TINY
That's right, boys; not a dream, not a hoax, not an imaginary story! It is the variant die-cut gatefold holographic sketch cover to Red Sonja #8!
PICKLES
I think I just came.
CORKY
I might have to swipe that.
TINY
Greg Land might beat you to it!
The boys laugh.
PICKLES
Hilarious!
CORKY
No one would ever understand that reference but us!
PICKLES' MOM re-enters.
PICKLES' MOM
Boys, the ice cream man is outside. I'll treat all of you if you go on outside.
PICKLES
Mom, the last time you said that, there was no ice cream man.
CORKY
That's like soliciting a book that Kevin Smith writes!
TINY
Or that J. Scott Campbell draws!
PICKLES
Or whose finances Pat Lee manages somehow!
The boys explode with laughter.
PICKLES' MOM
Please, boys. Your skin is starting to become see-through.
She exits.
PICKLES
So I'm going to Mighty Centennial Mystic Orb Excelsior Con next Saturday.
TINY
No way!
CORKY
How'd you score tix!
PICKLES
You know Smucker at Optic Orgasm Comics and Games?
TINY
Um...yeah...
CORKY
A-duh.
PICKLES
I complimented his ponytail.
TINY
Good move.
CORKY
It does resemble Shatterstar's.
PICKLES
That's what I said!
TINY
I hear they're doing an Aqualad panel.
CORKY
And they might show the trailer to the movie version of the comic book version of Chuck.
PICKLES
I have tickets to it.
TINY
Great Caesar's ghost.
CORKY
I just jizzed everywhere.
PICKLES' MOM re-enters.
PICKLES' MOM
Boys, I just had an inground pool installed in the backyard. Jessica Biel is currently skinny-dipping in it. For the love of God, get your atrophied muscles out there!
PICKLES
Mom, the only atrophied muscles I can see are Chapel's in the Jae Lee issues of Youngblood: Strikefile!
The boys fall over laughing.
CORKY
You are a genius!
TINY
I don't understand it, but it ruled!
PICKLES
I didn't get it either!
PICKLES' MOM
I was afraid I'd have to do this. Come on in.
MARK MILLAR enters.
MARK MILLAR
'Ello, you little shite-heads.
PICKLES, CORKY, and TINY
OH MY ZOD!
CORKY
Mark Millar!
TINY
Scribe of The Ultimates!
PICKLES
Script consultant on the Iron Man movie!
MARK MILLAR
That's me. Your mum 'ere's been telling me you little twats 'ave been down 'ere all summer like a bunch of arseholes. I'm glad you like me funnybooks and all, but if you don't get your porky little frames out that front door and don't come back for a fortnight, I'll slice off your little pricks and shove 'em down yer throats. In fact, I'll use that scene in the next issue of War Heroes!
TINY
I loved that issue of Bloodsport where Seahawk and Battlestone are getting blown by dudes dressed up as Cyclops and Jean Grey!
PICKLE
I love that issue of Ultimate Wolverine Team-Up where Ultimate Logan french kisses Ultimate Hitler!
TINY
And I look forward to your run on Archie and Jughead where those two take turns raping Jesus' exposed ribcage during the Passion!
MARK MILLAR
Yeah. That's gonna be some real smart stuff, that. Maybe the greatest four-color foray into fantasy ever captured by some pissfuck cunt bloke like meself.
PICKLES
I guess we'll go outside for a few minutes.
MARK MILLAR
That's what I like to 'ear, me wee bairns!
The boys exit.
PICKLES' MOM
Thanks.
MARK MILLAR
The pleasure is mine. Fancy a shag on this pile of comic books?
PICKLES' MOM
In lieu of your fee?
MARK MILLAR
You shaved?
PICKLES' MOM
Landing strip.
MARK MILLAR
Half.
PICKLES' MOM
Done.
LIGHTS OUT.
THE END
posted by Michael at 7:45 PM
1 Comments:
"OH MY ZOD!" may just have replaced the Wonder Woman joke as the best of the bunch!
Also, how much of a nerd am I that I caught every single piece of reference you've laid out??
Best,
J.
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