Sketch #30 - The End, Again

THE END, AGAIN
Michael Hartney

MICHAEL, 29, awesome, and KAMRUL, 20’s, equally awesome, perch separately on Muppet wall. Or possibly a Charlie Brown wall. You know which wall I mean. They notice each other.

MICHAEL
Aren’t you...?

KAMRUL
I think so. The sketch writer, right?

MICHAEL
Yeah! Ramadan!

KAMRUL
Right.

MICHAEL
I haven’t seen you in about a year.

KAMRUL
A year to the day if I’m not mistaken.

MICHAEL
You’ve been done with Ramadan for about a week, huh?

KAMRUL
That’s right. I’m impressed with your knowledge of the Islamic calendar.

MICHAEL
Oh, no big deal. A bunch of dudes in my kitchen celebrate it.

KAMRUL
I see.

MICHAEL
Yeah. They get cranky when they’re fasting. This one dude, Mody? He was already cranky. In full-on Ramadan mode? Yikes.

KAMRUL
It’s certainly one of the challenges of Ramadan. And this is the last day of September. Have you been writing a sketch every day again?

MICHAEL
Sure have.

KAMRUL
How’s that been?

MICHAEL
Actually, really good! Last year, I relied heavily on writing sequels to sketches I’ve already written. But this year, I pretty much had thirty distinct and new ideas. And overall I think they’re stronger.

KAMRUL
That’s great. I must admit, our conversation last year stayed with me. I watched your Saturday Night Live a few times. Not bad.

MICHAEL
Oh my god! Did you see the Paul Rudd episode? It was freakin’ amazing.

KAMRUL
Possibly. I don’t recall.

MICHAEL
Okay. Just as long as you didn’t see the Rosario Dawson episode. That one was a dog.

KAMRUL
Like I said, not bad. Don’t worry. I liked that pregnant woman. She was funny.

MICHAEL
Amy Poehler? She’s fantastic. I actually got to meet her this year. I shot promos for her cartoon show on Nickelodeon.

KAMRUL
Congratulations.

MICHAEL
Thank you. I, um...I remembered our conversation fondly as well.

KAMRUL
Oh?

MICHAEL
Yeah, so I checked into...some stuff.

KAMRUL
You don’t have to make something up about investigating Islam just because I watched Saturday Night Live.

MICHAEL
Sorry. I’m kind of...non-denominational.

KAMRUL
Understood.

MICHAEL
But I’m glad you’re doing well. What about that terrorist kid in Colorado, huh?

KAMRUL
What about him?

MICHAEL
Fundamentalists, right?

KAMRUL
Yes. Your feeble attempt at common ground is endearing.

MICHAEL
I try.

KAMRUL
Well, it sounds like you’re doing well. Any closer to that goal of yours? Getting on SNL?

MICHAEL
Well, I guess it depends on who you ask. I think so. I think I’m on the right path.

KAMRUL
Excellent.

MICHAEL
What about you? Any closer to your goal? The seventy-two virgins?

KAMRUL
Well, I’m a year closer to dying. So yes.

MICHAEL
Sorry. I guess that was awkward.

KAMRUL
Again: charmingly so.

MICHAEL
Aw, shucks.

KAMRUL
So this is a sketch again, yes?

MICHAEL
Yep.

KAMRUL
Is it a good one?

MICHAEL
Not necessarily. It certainly doesn’t subscribe to the basic structural guidelines endorsed by the theatre I study and perform at.

KAMRUL
Upright Citizens Brigade?

MICHAEL
Yeah! Look at you, knowin’ stuff!

KAMRUL
Sorry they wouldn’t like this sketch.

MICHAEL
No big deal. This isn’t for them. It’s for me. And anyway, I kind of missed you.

KAMRUL
It’s nice to be missed.

MICHAEL
I guess we should wrap this up. We’re going to spill onto page five.

KAMRUL
It’ll be hard to top last year. With us lip-synching to “I’m Every Woman”. I didn’t even know I knew that song.

MICHAEL
I knew you’d know it. Having created you and all.

KAMRUL
Well? Are there any other high-concept flights of fancy you’ve been meaning to try?

MICHAEL
I guess there’s one. But it’s really its own separate thing.

KAMRUL
What is it?

MICHAEL
It involves the movie The Color Purple. And a test of the audience’s patience.

KAMRUL
I’m intrigued.

Michael whispers the entire, crazy, awesome concept into Kamrul’s ear.

KAMRUL (CONT’D)
I don’t get it.

MICHAEL
You will.

Blackout.

Sketch #29 - Lost in Translation Redux Redux

LOST IN TRANSLATION REDUX REDUX
Michael Hartney, on the basis of the idea of Dan McInerney

INT. SECRET HOSPITAL HEADQUARTERS - DAY

DAN sits on the table with his laptop.

DAN
Men! Confidentiality of hospital! He was one or Epiphany!

MICHAEL, RACHEL, and JEFF enter.

MICHAEL
I got a new drawing for us?

DAN
A really cool cover to show a new drawing!

JEFF
As well? What is your idea great?

DAN
'Member when I used to translate the scenes to the classic Arabic language, and then return to the English language, and then translate the scene conducted a minus?

RACHEL
Somewhat.

DAN
So we will do the same thing for this show! We will see the first chart in English, and then at a later time, and we will see in the paint itself translated into Arabic, and then back to English! It would be extraordinary! Plus, the clear signals to 9 / 11 would be really rhetoric, I think.

MICHAEL
I'm kinda "Tima" on this subject.

JEFF
I booked the issue of governance.

RACHEL
I rule. Harshly.

DAN
Fine! To be that way, but inspired!

MICHAEL
Anyone have any ideas of real hostility fee?

JEFF
Also, Rachel and I am in bed last night, imagine her burping and titles of each drawing up higher.

RACHEL
You're welcome, fun.

Long, and the silence is indifferent.

MICHAEL
Dan, and how you can bang close to the first draft?

DAN
Result!

Power outages.

Sketch #28 - Lost in Translation Redux

LOST IN TRANSLATION REDUX
Michael Hartney, based on an idea by Dan McInerney

INT. SECRET HOSPITAL HEADQUARTERS - DAY

DAN sits at a table with his laptop.

DAN
Guys! Secret Hospital! I just had one mother of an epiphany!

MICHAEL, RACHEL, and JEFF enter.

MICHAEL
Got a new sketch for us?

DAN
A really cool bookend device for the new sketch show!

JEFF
Well? What’s your big idea?

DAN
'Member when I used to translate classic movie scenes into Arabic, and then back into English, and then performed the imperfectly translated scene?

RACHEL
Sort of.

DAN
So we'll do the same thing for the show! First we'll see a sketch in English, and then later on, we'll see the same sketch translated into Arabic, and then back into English! It'll be a humdinger! Plus, the obvious allusions to 9/11 will be really resonant, I think.

MICHAEL
I’m kinda “meh” about it.

JEFF
I’m reserving judgment.

RACHEL
I am judging. Harshly.

DAN
Fine! Be that way, non-visionaries!

MICHAEL
Anyone have any real ideas for a sketch runner?

JEFF
Well, Rachel and I were in bed last night imagining her belching the titles of each sketch up top.

RACHEL
You’re welcome, hilarity.

Long, indifferent silence.

MICHAEL
Dan, how soon can you bang out a first draft?

DAN
Score!

Blackout.

Sketch #27 - Amazing Race Audition Tape

AMAZING RACE AUDITION TAPE
Michael Hartney

INT. THE HARTNEY FAMILY ROOM - DAY

MICHAEL, 29, and CHARLIE, 25, both in gym clothes, speak into a camcorder.

MICHAEL
I’m Michael.

CHARLIE
And I’m Charlie.

MICHAEL
And we want to be-

BOTH
-on The Amazing Race!

They hold up a family picture.

CHARLIE
We’re brothers.

MICHAEL
I bet they had that part figured out by now.

CHARLIE
I’m straight.

Michael is suddenly in a gold lame jumpsuit with a caped collar.

MICHAEL
And I’m gay!

CHARLIE
Um...yep. So I’ll be good at challenges that involve brute strength.

Michael is dressed as Oscar Wilde, and is suddenly in front of a flowing red curtain.

MICHAEL
And I’ll excel in challenges that require devestating wit.

CHARLIE
If there’s an eating competition, I’m your man.

Charlie holds up a footlong sandwich and takes a bite.

MICHAEL
And if there’s a drinking one, I’m yours! Thanks, Evan.

Michael leans on a modern, backlit bar that is suddenly in their family room as a BARTENDER places a cosmo in front of him.

CHARLIE
How did you...? I’m good at mechanics.

Charlie holds up a schematic of a car engine.

MICHAEL
And I’m fierce at design!

A mirror ball-finished futuristic car with techno blasting drives into frame.

CHARLIE
I have no idea how any of this is happening.

MICHAEL
And I can choreograph a number featuring three dozen Burmese fishermen, all without the benefit of a common language!

Thirty-six Asian fishermen enter frame, popping, locking, and high-kicking to Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love”.

CHARLIE
And I can...God, I don’t even know.

Michael, now in a Wonder Woman costume, puts his hand on Charlie’s shoulder.

MICHAEL
Hey. I’m starting to feel like I’m overcompensating.

CHARLIE
For what?!?

MICHAEL
Y’know...how you’re good at guy stuff. Like engineering and geography and athletics. And I’m just...not.

CHARLIE
No? Where’d that car come from?

MICHAEL
I built it from a ‘98 Mustang and tweaked the angles to make it more aerodynamic.

CHARLIE
The dancers?

MICHAEL
Duh. I went to Burma...well, officially the Union of Myanmar and found them in Rangoon, its largest city.

CHARLIE
And the bar?

MICHAEL
I won it in a slam-dunk contest.

CHARLIE
Yeah, I wouldn’t be worried about not being good at guy stuff.

MICHAEL
Sass.

CHARLIE
Don’t say sass.

MICHAEL
Mo flass.

CHARLIE
Better.

MICHAEL
Sorry I threw our audition tape off track.

CHARLIE
It’s okay.
(back to camera)
We’re the best of both worlds, Amazing Race. We can finish first anywhere, from Cape Town...

MICHAEL
...to San Francisco!

The bell of a streetcar rings.

CHARLIE
You didn’t happen to install a trolley car and track on our street, did you?

Beat.

MICHAEL
...no...

Blackout.

Sketch #26 - The New Terrorism

THE NEW TERRORISM
Michael Hartney

INT. AN AIRPLANE - DAY

Passengers sit on an airplane: in front is SYLVIA, 30’s, mousey; and LISA, 20’s, cute; behind are SCOTT, 30’s, burly, rugby shirt; TED, 40’s, business casual; ERIC, 30’s, casual. The three men and Lisa are attempting to nap. A stewardess, CAROLINE, stands in the rear.

SYLVIA
(to Lisa)
...and my sister’s children are just exceptional that way, y’know? Tara excels at just about everything she tries. It’s really rather remarkable. Academics, acting, writing, photography...she just has so many aptitudes. She’s fourteen now. About to discover boys. Scary, right? But my sister knows how to keep her on the straight and narrow, I think. And my brother-in-law Brian has an extremely strong moral compass. He’s in finance. In one of those hard-to-define jobs that nobody outside of finance can really describe, so I just say “finance”, right? It’s so funny to me to see those guys running around in business suits being so important and, being so outside of that world, not really understanding what they do, I mean, actually do, you know what I mean? Of course, now that there’s a recession, things aren’t so rosy for them, but Brian seems optimistic that things will bounce back and if Brian says it, that’s a strong enough endorsement for me.

The other passengers start looking over toward Sylvia with looks of concern on their face. Lisa is frozen in fear.

SYLVIA (CONT’D)
Movies, too! That movie Funny People really got savaged by the critics, but Brian saw it and told me he really liked it, and he’s always right. I mean, who cares if some snooty critic doesn’t like a movie? So I went and saw it and it really was impressive, like, not the best movie ever by any stretch, but still worth the $12.50. Are movies getting expensive or what?

The passengers, now scared, start whispering to each other. Lisa starts to cry. The stewardess gets wise to it as well.

SYLVIA (CONT’D)
I remember seeing that movie where Tommy Lee Jones and Kurt Russell...or was it Jeff Bridges? It may sound weird, but I get Jeff Bridges and Kurt Russell confused sometimes, even though they only may look superficially alike. So that movie where one of them, either Kurt or Jeff, is a Irish bomb maker? Well, that probably cost me only seven dollars or so. But that was back in the day.

Caroline makes her way down the aisle cautiously. Lisa reaches to her for help, but Sylvia grabs Caroline’s arm and starts talking to her. The passengers shriek and duck.

SYLVIA (CONT’D)
You might know this: is this a 737 or a 747? I never know the difference. Does it really just come down to size? Is it as simple as a center row of seats or no seats? Or does it have nothing to do with seating and really involves engines and motors and schematic stuff that us laypeople essentially know nothing about?

The passengers start signaling to each other. Lisa is praying. Caroline grimaces.

SYLVIA (CONT’D)
Flying sure is something, right? I know we’ve been doing it for a hundred years, but it’s still astonishing that something so large can be held aloft. And go so fast! Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to go as fast as planes go, but in a car on the ground.

One by one, the passengers duck and run to the back of the plane, where they crouch and strategize. Lisa takes out a bible. Caroline trembles.

SYLVIA (CONT’D)
I realize that’s a spurious comparison, since a car has such a different center of gravity than a large aircraft. It’s probably feel something like those military training exercises, or that ride, the Gravitron! Remember that? Wow, I guess I’m really dating myself.

Scott has the beverage cart prepped as a battering ram. Ted pulls a golf club from someone’s luggage. Eric has a coffee pot filled with hot water.

SYLVIA (CONT’D)
It was a ride at the county fair or what have you, where you’d stand against a mat on the side of the ride, and it would spin like a flying saucer, causing you to basically stick to the wall because of gravity! The Gravitron! Beige is kind of a funny color, don’t you think? It’s not quite tan, and it’s not quite sand, it’s this strange amalgam of the two. Do you think it’s just a little more yellow? Or a complement is thrown in, like purple? Obviously just a little bit.

TED
(to the men)
Are you guys ready? Okay. Let’s roll.

The armed men rush toward Sylvia.

Blackout.

Sketch #25 - Labia

LABIA
Michael Hartney & Turtle Burkybile

INT. A DINER - NIGHT

CORKY, 30’s, overweight and flamboyant, looks over a menu at a table with PAUL, 30’s, average build.

CORKY
I know I shouldn’t, but I want the pasta carbonara!

PAUL
You shouldn’t.

CORKY
Babe, what can I do? I can’t help being hungry!

PAUL
Have you thought about using Labia (pronounced luh-BEE-yuh)?

CORKY
Labia?

SUPER: LABIA

Product shot of a bottle of Labia.

ANNOUNCER
Labia is the new weight loss supplement designed exclusively for gay men.

Schematic diagram of a woman.

ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
Labia is cultivated and condensed from the reproductive region of the human female, making it the most effective appetite suppressant for gay men on the market.

INT. A DINER - LATER

Corky and Paul have their food.

CORKY
Ooh, those disco fries look fierce!

Corky reaches for a fry. Paul quickly opens a bottle of Labia and puts it up to Corky’s nose.

CORKY (CONT’D)
Damn! I’m not eating for a week!

SUPER: BEFORE-AND-AFTER

Side-by-side images of a happy, chubby gay man, and the same man, skinny, and plugging his nose.

ANNOUNCER
Labia won’t just help gay men temporarily lose lose a few pounds; its unmistakably human yet utterly foreign odor will have them wishing they didn’t need food to survive. Warning: Labia should only be used by gay men. Even straight women are kinda into it. Trust us.

INT. AN APARTMENT - NIGHT - MONTHS LATER

Paul and Corky sit on a dining room table. Corky is significantly thinner, even gaunt.

PAUL
Baby, you have to eat something.

CORKY
Yeah, I don’t think so.

PAUL
Babe, you haven’t used Labia in months!

CORKY
I know, but...
(shudders)
Yeccch!

SUPER: LABIA

ANNOUNCER
Labia. It’s like a bottle of pussy!

Blackout.

Sketch #24 - Sunday Mass in Hollywood

SUNDAY MASS IN HOLLYWOOD
Michael Hartney

INT. A CHURCH - DAY

MICHAEL, JEFF, and RACHEL, well-dressed 30-somethings, sit in a pew. DAN, 30, more casual, approaches.

DAN
Is this seat taken?

JEFF
No, sir! Our pew es su pew.

Everyone shares a laugh.

RACHEL
I haven’t seen you at mass before.

JEFF
Oh, I’m just here in LA on business. But I don’t like to skip mass, so here I am!

MICHAEL
Well, welcome, friend. Well, welcome.

Michael gestures to Jeff with prayer hands and bows.

JEFF
Father Kyle is beginning.

All four give their attention downstage center.

ALL
In the name of the father, son, and holy spirit, amen.

Dan does the usual sign of the cross. The other three do an extremely sharp, precise, theatrical sign of the cross. They continue to listen.

ALL (CONT’D)
Alleluiah, alleluiah, alleluuuu-iah!

Michael, Rachel, and Jeff sing fully in perfect three part harmony. Dan is taken aback.

RACHEL
(to Dan)
Oh, you’ve really got to hit that chord.

MICHAEL
Little pitchy, dawg.

JEFF
Next time. We’ll lock it in.

ALL
Lord have mercy.

Dan says it neutrally. The others all say it with grave importance.

MICHAEL, RACHEL, & JEFF
(to themselves)
Christ have mercy. Christ have mercy? Christ have mercy.

Dan looks at them, perplexed.

ALL
Christ have mercy.

Dan says it neutrally. The others say it with the emphasis on Christ.

MICHAEL, RACHEL, & JEFF
(to themselves)
Luh, luh, luh, luh, hah, hah, hah, hah, muh, muh, muh, muh...

Confounded Dan.

ALL
Lord have mercy.

All but Dan say it seductively, making model faces and poses afterwards.

DAN
Are you guys all actors or something?

They ignore him. They sit immediately and precisely, with Dan clumsily following suit.

DAN (CONT’D)
Ah. The sermon. Cool.

Michael, Rachel, and Jeff histrionically react to the unheard sermon with impassioned head nods, instants of recognition, and watering eyes. Dan is more interested in them than the sermon. They suddenly stand at attention. Dan sheepishly follows suit.

MICHAEL, RACHEL, & JEFF
Sing hosannah! Sing hosannah! Sing aah, aah, lay, loo-oo-ee-ah!

Three part harmony, accompanied by graceful arm choreography.

RACHEL
(to Dan)
I didn’t feel that foundation on the bottom.

MICHAEL
You’re our bass.

JEFF
We really need you to support.

Michael, Rachel, and Jeff immediately melt into kneeling position, with sharply stricken prayer hands. Dan follows. The three locals deliver the Lord’s Prayer like various stock monologues. Michael’s is mourful, Jeff’s is superior, and Rachel’s is disconnected and quirky, using a mixing bowl as an activity. Dan’s, shockingly, is normal.

ALL
Our father, who art in heaven, hallow be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

DAN
(to Michael)
Wow. You’re great at saying the Lord’s Prayer. I really felt your contrition.

MICHAEL
I store a lot of ambivalence in my lower back, so I just try to engage that area and play with the space.

RACHEL
Ooh! The peace be with yous!

Michael, Rachel, and Jeff pull out headshots and start giving them to each other, shaking hands and networking.

JEFF
I also do some light tumbling.

MICHAEL
I have a pharmecutical industrial reel.

RACHEL
You may recognize me as Cell Phone Woman from Torque.

Jeff exits down center, followed by Rachel.

MICHAEL
Are you getting eucharist?

DAN
I’m...not sure.

As Michael exits, Jeff returns with a Jamba Juice, followed by Rachel, also with a Jamba Juice. They return to their pew and kneel into exaggerated yoga stretches. Michael returns and follows suit.

DAN (CONT’D)
Is there communion in your smoothie?

JEFF
Are you serious?

MICHAEL
No!

RACHEL
It’s wine.

JEFF
Final hymn coming up. Last chance!

The three locals break into a formal dance with elaborate twirls, dance hall kicks, and exquisite port de bras.

ALL
Aaaaaaaaa-vaaaaaay Ma-reeeeeeeeee, eeee...

MICHAEL
(to Dan)
A third below Jeff!

RACHEL
Don’t ruin this for us!

JEFF
Let’s find it, guys:

ALL
....aaaaaaaahhhhhh!

They celebrate their four-part harmony. Even Dan is elated!

DAN
Wow! That was actually really fun! I’m in town for three weeks; see you next Sunday?

RACHEL
(delicately)
Well, I guess it depends if you get a callback or not.

Blackout.

Sketch #23 - Where's Mom?

WHERE’S MOM?
Michael Hartney

INT. A SUBURBAN HOME - DAY

BRENT, 40’s, fatherly, is sitting on a couch in his living room, his back to the audience. ANDY, 16, in a baseball shirt, enters.

ANDY
Hey, Dad. Where’s Mom?

Brent freezes.

BRENT
Well, I’ll tell you this: I sure didn’t kill her!

ANDY
What? Is she okay?

BRENT
She’s fine! And I didn’t beat her up, and she’s not in the hospital for being beaten. By me.

ANDY
Is she hurt?

BRENT
I didn’t touch her! Not with my hands, not with a big rusty rake. And especially not with the rolling pin I tied to the rake.

ANDY
Where the hell is Mom?

BRENT
Don’t say “hell”! And she is at your aunt’s house.

ANDY
Neither you nor Mom have sisters.

BRENT
She’s at the milkman’s!

ANDY
A milkman would come here. And there are no more milkmen.

BRENT
She’s at crunchiness.

ANDY
Crunchiness isn’t a place.

BRENT
She’s purrechitalling!

ANDY
That isn’t a word.

Brent reaches into a drawer and gives Andy a handful of almonds.

ANDY (CONT’D)
You just gave me a handful of almonds.

BRENT
She’s at a pincushion festival with Markie Post, sketching nectarines!

ANDY
Really?

BRENT
No.

ANDY
Where in God’s name is Mom?!?

BRENT
She’s at the store!

ANDY
Truly?

BRENT
Of course.

ANDY
Why did you say all those other things?

BRENT
Do you want to know the truth?

ANDY
I think so.

BRENT
I was masturbating here on the couch. When I heard your key turn in the door, instinct took over and I managed to close up shop before you saw me, but, well, you spooked me! I just said whatever was on the top of my mind.

ANDY
Wow. I really wish I could un-know that.

Andy starts to leave.

ANDY (CONT’D)
Wait! You said horrible things! Why was killing Mom on your mind? What the hell do you think about when you masturbate?!?

Brent reaches into a drawer and gives Andy a handful of almonds. Andy eats one.

ANDY (CONT’D)
Crunchiness.

Blackout.

Sketch #22 - Homo(erotic)phobic Co-Worker

HOMO(EROTIC)PHOBIC CO-WORKER
Michael Hartney

INT. A DESIGN OFFICE - DAY

JUDITH, 40’s, buttoned-up, works at a design computer. SCOTT, 30’s, buff and fashionable, enters and begins work at the station next to her. Her eyes stay fixed on her screen.

JUDITH
Have a good lunch?

SCOTT
Oh, hey, Judith. Yeah, it was great.

Judith looks at Scott.

JUDITH
Did you meet up with your...friend?

She looks back at the screen.

SCOTT
My friend? Oh, you mean my boyfriend. You can just say “boyfriend”, you know.

JUDITH
Oh, I don’t know anything about that business.

SCOTT
Really? In graphic design, I would think you’d encounter gay men quite a bit.

JUDITH
Well, I don’t really pay any attention to any of that. I’m married, so.

Beat.

JUDITH (CONT’D)
Rugby, huh?

SCOTT
What? Yeah. Yeah, I play rugby.

She looks at him.

JUDITH
Must really love that body contact.

Back to the screen.

SCOTT
Um...it really has more to do with the required skill set and the camaraderie.

JUDITH
Mmm-hmm.

SCOTT
Seriously. Trust me, there’s better ways to get some body contact.

He laughs to himself.

JUDITH
Oh, I don’t need to hear jokes suitable for nighttime.

SCOTT
Really? You brought it up.

JUDITH
Well, I didn’t expect an x-rated comedy routine. I have children, so.

Beat.

JUDITH (CONT’D)
That Naked Boys Singing.

SCOTT
What about it?

Eyes to him.

JUDITH
Just a big stage full of musky flesh, I’d wager.

Eyes to screen.

SCOTT
I guess. I have no interest in seeing it.

JUDITH
Oh?

SCOTT
Yeah. No. I don’t do every gay thing there is, you know.

JUDITH
Well, I’d better plug my ears with steel wool now, lest you rattle off a virtual laundry list of sin.

SCOTT
Sins? You think what my boyfriend and I do is sin?

JUDITH
It’s not what I think. It’s what God knows. I’m a Christian, so.

Beat.

SCOTT
You’re the most conservative person in a creative field I’ve ever met.

JUDITH
Nonsense.

SCOTT
There’s, like, four of you. Orson Scott Card, Pat Boone, one of the Zucker brothers...

JUDITH
...and Larry the Cable Guy.

SCOTT
Oh, I wouldn’t know anything about that. I’m a godless heathen with impeccable taste, so.

Beat. Scott ignores her from here on in.

JUDITH
The Saint Andrew’s Cross. That must be something else, right? Leaning into that looming device, limbs akimbo. The submission. The withholding. The meeting of wood and flesh. Sweat running into the natural grooves of the dark, knotty oak. The leather straps, the metal buckles, the swarthy, heavily-inked skin, the unholy swirl of textures, built up to the moment when two chiseled bronze gods become one, their sodomy burning a Hiroshiman imprint on the ribald inversion of the cross on which our Lord gave his life?

Eyes to him.

JUDITH (CONT’D)
You guys must enjoy that a great deal.

Eyes to screen.

JUDITH (CONT’D)
But I have no interest in getting face-raped by Satan in the afterlife, so.

Blackout.

Sketch #21 - What Abortion and Steven Soderbergh Have to do With Each Other

WHAT ABORTION AND STEVEN SODERBERGH HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER
Michael Hartney

INT. A GYNECOLOGIST’S OFFICE - DAY

DR. KINGSLEY, 40’s, enters a patient’s room. SANDRA, late 30’s, sits in a paper dress.

DR. KINGSLEY
Well, Sandra, everything looks healthy. And congratulations! You’re pregnant again.

SANDRA
Ah. Dr. Kingsley, I’m going to need to make an appointment to terminate the pregnancy.

Beat.

DR. KINGSLEY
Sandra, I’m obviously very protective of a woman’s right to choose, but you’ve gotten pregnant six times. Every second time, you get an abortion. I find that very curious.

SANDRA
Yeah. It’s the “one for them, one for me” principle.

DR. KINGSLEY
I’m sorry?

SANDRA
Y’know...like Steven Soderbergh.

DR. KINGSLEY
The movie director?

SANDRA
Yeah. He makes one big studio picture that’ll bring in a lot of money, and then a small, risky, more experimental film. One for them, and one for him.

DR. KINGSLEY
Well, that’s certainly a way to conduct a film career. Maybe a less effective way to manage one’s reproductive life. I mean, what do you tell your children?

SANDRA
C’mon, doctor. Danny Ocean, Erin Brockovich, and Che Guevarra are far too young to be told about abortion. Don’t be ridiculous.

DR. KINGSLEY
Ah. So you named your children after characters in Steven Soderbergh movies.

SANDRA
That’s another thing. I gave birth to those three children, but I really don’t consider them “mine”. I’m pretty weary of possessory credits.

Beat.

DR. KINGSLEY
That’s another-

SANDRA
-Another Steven Soderbergh thing. Yeah.

DR. KINGSLEY
What on earth has possessed you to adopt this philosophy?

SANDRA
Look, I don’t expect you to understand. You’re a man.

DR. KINGSLEY
I’m fairly certain most women would fail to understand this as well.

SANDRA
Well, I was pregnant with Danny, and I was super-hormonal. Just in a really wild headspace. I went to the movies by myself and watched a midnight screening of Solaris. And everything just made sense.

DR. KINGSLEY
Well, Sandra, I’m terribly sorry. But it doesn’t make sense to me. I think I’m going to have to give your obstetrician a call and discuss your morally questionable behavior.

SANDRA
...said the abortion doctor.

DR. KINGSLEY
This is not about that! Now, that obstetrician’s name...Dr. Michael Francis, right?

SANDRA
Sorry, doc. But that’s me. I act as my own obstetrician under a pseudonym.

Beat.

SANDRA (CONT’D)
Steven Soderbergh is his own director of photography. As Peter Andrews.

DR. KINGSLEY
Yeah, I get it!

SANDRA
What are you so angry about?

DR. KINGSLEY
Oh, nothing. Why would I be angry? I have a patient that gets intermittent abortions because Steven Soderbergh is a versatile filmmaker.

SANDRA
Isn’t he? God, it’s amazing. Have you seen Schizopolis?

DR. KINGSLEY
Get out of my office.

SANDRA
Fine by me. I have to get back to work.

DR. KINGSLEY
Ah, yes. Dr. Michael Francis, obstetrician.

SANDRA
What? Ha. No, that’s just a side thing.

DR. KINGSLEY
I’m almost too terrified to ask. What do you do?

SANDRA
I’m a filmmaker.

Beat.

DR. KINGSLEY
I hope someone kills you today.

Blackout.

Sketch #20 - The Unusual Thing Never Happens

THE UNUSUAL THING NEVER HAPPENS
Michael Hartney

INT. A CLASSROOM - DAY

KEITH, BRIAN, and PATTY, all teens, sit at desks.

KEITH
Can you believe Mrs. Pace quit teaching mid-semester?

BRIAN
Weird. I wonder what our new algebra teacher is going to be like.

PATTY
I heard he’s kind of a character. And that his teaching style is...different.

KEITH
Uh-oh!

MR. RUTHERFORD enters. Totally average looking.

MR. RUTHERFORD
Good morning, students. I’m Mr. Rutherford, your new teacher.

BRIAN
Oh. Okay.

MR. RUTHERFORD
Something wrong?

PATTY
I think we were expecting you to have a crazy name or be really funny looking or something.

MR. RUTHERFORD
Hm. Why’s that?

KEITH
Things just seemed to be heading that way.

MR. RUTHERFORD
Okay, well, let’s get started, shall we? I know you’re used to the way Mrs. Pace ran this class, but I do things a little differently.

KEITH
Ruh-roh!

PATTY
Here it comes!

MR. RUTHERFORD
She graded on a curve. And I do not.

BRIAN
Is that all?

MR. RUTHERFORD
Oh, and there’s one more thing:

KEITH
Bruh-broh!

PATTY
Brace yourselves!

MR. RUTHERFORD
She was a woman, and I am a man.

BRIAN
Ugh!

KEITH
You’re so normal!

PATTY
What’s wrong with you?

MR. RUTHERFORD
What are you talking about?

BRIAN
You’re supposed to get increasingly ridiculous from the start of class onward!

PATTY
But if you don’t start with anything ridiculous, there’s nowhere to go!

KEITH
You aren’t heightening, Mr. Rutherford.

MR. RUTHERFORD
Folks, this is math class, not the circus. There’s no need for me to be ridiculous. But if you continue to talk out of turn, I’m going to get angry. And trust me, you don’t want to see me angry.

BRIAN
Why not? Do you have a hilarious, disproportionately awful temper?

PATTY
Does anger give you Gulf War flashbacks, allowing us to map war specifics over school specifics?

KEITH
Do you turn into a green behemoth with purple pants, so we can do a solid genre parody?

MR. RUTHERFORD
Worse. I give you detention.

KEITH, PATTY, & BRIAN
Lame.

MR. RUTHERFORD
Just do the exercise at the end of chapter 8! Silently.

The students work silently. MR. HALFORD, 50’s, enters.

MR. HALFORD
Mr. Rutherford! Mr. Halford. Just wanted to introduce myself and welcome you aboard.

They shake hands.

MR. RUTHERFORD
Good to meet you.

MR. HALFORD
I actually saw you earlier today in the men’s room. I have to admit, curiosity got the best of me and I took a peek. And...wow.

The students’ interests are piqued.

KEITH
Fluh-floh!

BRIAN
This is it!

PATTY
Our lives are about to get turned upside-down!

MR. HALFORD
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a penis so perfectly average and ordinary in terms of both length and width. Even your urine stream was utterly conventional.

KEITH
Man, we’ve hit this from every angle, and nothin’.

BRIAN
On page four, no less.

PATTY
My parents are a possum and a teal legwarmer.

Everyone turns to her.

Blackout.

Sketch #19 - Don't Sleep With the Green Screen Girl

DON’T SLEEP WITH THE GREEN SCREEN GIRL
Michael Hartney

INT. A MOVIE SET - DAY

JACK, 30’s, dressed in a superhero outfit, stands around. KELLY, early 30’s, cute, dressed in green from head to toe, enters hurriedly.

KELLY
Morning!
(whispering)
Thanks for letting me sleep in.

JACK
Yeah, Kelly, look. Last night was...

KELLY
...amazing.

JACK
...a mistake.

KELLY
A mistake! Yeah, I definitely shouldn’t have let you pursue me like that. That sure sucked of me.

JACK
I don’t want this to be awkward.

An unseen DIRECTOR starts calling shots.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Okay, guys, picture’s up! Inframan’s flight to Dr. Mirthus’ lair.

Kelly picks up two marionette strings attached to the end of Jack’s cape, leaving them slack.

DIRECTOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)
And...action!

JACK
No, Fiona. But maybe Inframan can.

Jack leans onto a stool, simulating flight. Kelly holds the strings to manipulate his cape, but does it half-heartedly. Jack notices.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
And...cut. Jack, I know it’s early, but I’m gonna need more energy from you, buddy.

JACK
Are you sure? I think maybe the cape movement can be amped up a bit.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
What? No. Kelly’s a pro. Just turn it up a notch. We’ll go again in a sec.

JACK
Kelly, I’m really...

KELLY
...sorry?

JACK
...hungover.

JACK (CONT’D)
Look, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but let’s not let this affect the work, huh?

KELLY
You’re right. I should try to remember to treat sex like you do: as a casual, empty, meaningless game. My bad.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Okay, we’re going again! And...action!

JACK
No, Fiona. But maybe Inframan can.

Jack flies again. Kelly makes big, goofy circles with the shape of his cape.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
And cut! Jack! What gives?

JACK
Me? Did you see my cape doing loopty-loops?!?

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Kelly is killing it. This take, you just kind of came off like a dick. Inframan’s not a dick, okay? Process that. We’re going in a sec.

JACK
Kelly, I am a...

KELLY
...doucebag?

JACK
...movie star!

JACK (CONT’D)
Now be a professional!

KELLY
I’m very sorry. Moving forward, I will try to handle heartbreak with the cold, heartless precision of a robot.

JACK
Stop!

KELLY
Can’t...compute...

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Okay! We’re getting it this time! And...action!

JACK
No, Fiona. But maybe Inframan can.

Jack flies. Kelly yanks off the cape.

JACK (CONT’D)
Oh, come on!

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
That’s a cut! Jack, you’ve got to keep that cape on, buddy. C’mon!

JACK
Is this a joke?!?

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Also, you’re really just giving off this chauvinist pig vibe, okay? You’re playing Inframan like he’s a user. The last son of planet Krilldar is not a user.

JACK
Kelly yanked my cape off!

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
She probably could sense it was a crap take, Usey.

JACK
Usey?

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Yeah, ‘cause you’re a user. I’ll give you a minute to shake this off, Gary Usey.

JACK
Kelly, I’d like to...

KELLY
...bludgeon me with a pipe?

JACK
...apologize.

KELLY
Oh.

JACK
I feel terrible. I just wanted to keep my personal life and my private life separate. And so I lied and told you last night was a mistake, when the truth is, I can’t stop thinking about you.

KELLY
I...wow.

JACK
Let’s nail this take and have lunch together.

KELLY
‘Kay.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Are we ready to honor Inframan and not play him like a date rapist? Then action!

JACK
No, Fiona. But maybe Inframan can.

Jack flies. Kelly’s cape moves are perfect. He veers left. He veers right. He rockets skyward. He levels out. He dives down. He lands, all perfectly accompanied by Kelly’s cape work.

JACK (CONT’D)
Not this time, Dr. Mirthus!

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Cut! Perfection!

JACK
Kelly, that was all a lie. I can’t stand you, but I needed to get that take. Psycho much?

KELLY
But...you just said...and last night...I mean, I never let anyone-

JACK
-nope. All a sham. I was drunk and horny.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Okay, kids. Problem with the last take. We were running at the wrong camera speed. So let’s just do the same great take again. Capice? Action!

JACK
Um...Fiona. Don’t? I’m still Inframan. Or...whatever.

Jack flies. Kelly comes around with the cape strings and starts to strangle Jack.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Coming off douchey! Coming off super-douchey! Knock it off!

Blackout.

Sketch #18 - Creation Circle

CREATION CIRCLE
Michael Hartney

INT. A BOHEMIAN APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

CASPER, SIMON-PERCIVAL, PALEFUON-9, and RHUBARBARA, all 30-something douchey artist-types more douchey than artistic, sit in a circle on Capser’s living room floor, passing smoking materials.

CASPER
Thanks for coming to the circle share, everybody. Simon-Percival, what are you working on?

SIMON-PERCIVAL
Well, Casper, lately I’ve been exploring the tyranny of width, using a sonic collage as my canvas.

CASPER
Devastating. Rhubarbara? What cultural marvel are you cooking in your sapphic oven?

RHUBARBARA
I am currently spearheading an anarchic walking tour of New York City where we squirt silver paint and mustard at structures whose auras make us crave.

CASPER
How very, very cervical. Palefuon-9, I pray you’re continuing your quest to reconcile our present with the dystopian future from which you hale?

PALEFUON-9
Bien sur, as the conquered Norwegians of 2138 might say. But I’d prefer to describe my current venture in a series of shapes and symbols.

Palefuon-9 holds up flash cards of a hexagon, a biohazard symbol, and the Star of David mapped onto a Target logo.

CASPER
I am not the opposite of anti-unintrigued. Let us move onto the matter of The Paleo-Russian Ontological Ballet Society’s peri-annual mid-penumbra happening. What weeds will we wear?

RHUBARBARA
Hold the bourgeois communication device, Casper. We have yet to lend our ears to our distinguished host himself, so that he may divulge his most timely and salacious art-nuggets.

CASPER
I just got hired to draw the Puppy Trouble line of Hallmark Cards.

Silence.

CASPER (CONT’D)
But I will hate every second of it, and the creation of each card will be accompanied by an animatic vlog decrying the process.

Silence.

CASPER (CONT’D)
And, um...each vlog post will require a password that can only be obtained through wax paper charcoal etchings on the skin of the city’s homeless?

Silence.

CASPER (CONT’D)
I’m going to spend my entire salary on getting shrunken and injected into a tiger.

SIMON-PERCIVAL
Bravo.

RHUBARBARA
Sire my progeny.

Palefluon-9 holds up a flash card with an image of a hentai-style penis monster and the silhouette of a baby.

Blackout.

Sketch #17 - Abigail Merriweather is Stuck in a Dodecahedron

ABIGAIL MERRIWEATHER IS STUCK IN A DODECAHEDRON
Michael Hartney

INT. A LARGE SCHOOLYARD FIELD - DAY

ARTHUR VICTORY, 40’s, newsman, stands in front of a large dodecahedron with horrified onlookers in the background.

ARTHUR
Folks, this is Arthur Victory reporting. We are now entering the third hour of this disturbing crisis. Nine year-old Abigail Merriweather is stuck in a dodecahedron. Here to provide some perspective on this unspeakable tragedy is local geometrist Blake Hurley.

BLAKE HURLEY, 30’s, studious, approaches.

HURLEY
Uh, I’m actually just Abigail’s math teacher.

ARTHUR
Dr. Hurley-

HURLEY
-Mister. Not a doctor.

ARTHUR
What do you make of this afternoon’s dodecahedron catastrophe?

PHIL MERRIWEATHER, Abigail’s father, runs into frame.

PHIL
God, please get little Abby out of that doodickawhatsis!

ARTHUR
Abigail’s father, Phil Merriweather, unable to contain his grief.

HURLEY
Well, I’m glad to have this forum to explain to everyone that this isn’t really that big of a deal.

ARTHUR
But Abigail Merriweather is stuck in a dodecahedron!

HURLEY
A dodecahedron isn’t dangerous. She’s not stuck in a well. I doubt she’s even stuck at all. Seems like she just wants attention.

ARTHUR
But...dodecahedron!

HURLEY
Do you not know what a dodecahedron is?

ARTHUR
...well, the viewers might not...

HURLEY
(pointing to the dodecahedron)
It’s that. A polyhedron composed of twelve pentagonal faces.

PHIL
Noooooo!

HURLEY
No, stop! It’s not a bad thing! We’re all getting really hung up on the word dodecahedron. It’s just a fancy word for a shape. She’s in a shape.

ARTHUR
You heard it here first, folks. Little, cherubic Abigail Merriweather is stuck in a shape.

HURLEY
But like I said, I don’t think she’s stuck. I think she’s just...camping out in there. It’s not like it’s labyrinthine.

ARTHUR
Um...right!

HURLEY
Do you not know what labyrinthine means?

ARTHUR
Thank you for your time, crusading geologist Dr. Blake Hurley! Also joining us in the search for the adorable, freckle-faced munchkin Abigail Merriweather is community activist Helen Tanner.

HELEN TANNER, mid 30’s, bookish, steps into frame.

TANNER
Arthur, it’s events like these that shine a light on the growing dodecahedron problem in this country!

HURLEY
What are you talking about? There isn’t a dodecahedron problem. This is probably the only time this has ever happened!

TANNER
One time too many. Which is why the school board and I have passed an emergency initiative called Don’t-Decahedron.

ARTHUR
That sounds great!

HURLEY
What even is it?

TANNER
It’s a watchdog program that places three paid guards around every child in the school system to ensure they don’t get stuck in a dodecahedron!

PHIL
Never forget dodell-kacha-bentrons!

HURLEY
Are you insane?!? Do you realize how much of a tax increase we’d need to make that a workable plan? Not to mention the fact that it’s wholly unnecessary?

ARTHUR
It sounds like a solid initiative, Ms. Tanner.

HURLEY
You just like it because there’s a pun in the name of it!

THIRD EYE BLIND, the horrible band, enters.

ARTHUR
Folks! A stunning development! Rock gods Third Eye Blind have joined the throngs of supporters at this vigil for this sleepy community’s patron saint of pigtailed, porcelain-skinned angels, Abigail Merriweather!

HURLEY
This only began three hours ago! How are you already here?

STEPHAN JENKINS, lead singer, approaches Arthur.

STEPHAN
This one’s for Abigail.
(singing)
I wish you would step out from that dodecahedron, my friend-

HURLEY
-that doesn’t even scan out right! It’s just lazy!

TANNER
It’s almost like you don’t want her to get well!

HURLEY
Well? She’s not sick!

ARTHUR
Folks, I think we’re ignoring the biggest question: who put that dodecahedron there to trap Abigail?

HURLEY
It’s not a trap! I put it there!

Everyone but Hurley gasps.

PHIL
You? You built the dickvandyke-a-wigwam?

HURLEY
Yeah. I put it there so my class could have a geometry lesson outside. Don’t you people have anything better to do? There’s probably actual stories happening somewhere right now!

A RANDOM SPECTATOR steps out from the crowd.

RANDOM SPECTATOR
Douche-decahedron!

EVERYONE ELSE
Yeah!

RANDOM SPECTATOR 2 steps out.

RANDOM SPECTATOR 2
Do-douche-a-heed-douche!

EVERYONE ELSE
YEAH!!!

HURLEY
Forget this! You’re a bunch of phillistines!

ARTHUR
Well, thank you!

HURLEY
Do you not know what a philli-nevermind.

Hurley exits.

STEPHAN
(singing)
I want something else, to get me through this, dodecahedron kind of life...

ARTHUR
Yeah, that one’s a stretch.

Blackout.